A Witchy Story for Halloween
In honor of the upcoming day of tricks and treats, here is a treat: I wrote this humorous story in May of 2026 for the Twisted Tournament writing contest. It placed sixth, and I always intended to find a home for it. I hope you enjoy!
The Society for Witches and Wizards
President, Madame Mungby
Dear Ms. Archmeadow,
Thank you for your application to the Society for Witches and Wizards. We appreciate your interest in our esteemed organization for witches and wizards. However, the primary requirement for membership in the Society is that you are a witch or wizard, and watching “all of the original 1960s episodes of Bewitched” does not make you one. Therefore, we must regrettably deny your request to join.
Wishing you all the best,
Madame Mungby, SWW President
Dear Madame Mungby,
Thank you for your timely response. I must say that it is quite presumptuous of you to proclaim that I am not a witch; I do not believe we have ever met in person. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, then, since you have not witnessed my talent for spells and tinctures.
Among other achievements, I once blew up an evil witch-hunter with a highly potent hex, thereby saving the wizarding world from doom. Please reconsider my application at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Ms. Archmeadow, Witch Extraordinaire
P.S. I am also an expert on The Addams Family and Charmed.
Dear Ms. Archmeadow,
We most certainly have met, though I do understand the confusion. I’m sure it is easy to forget that you submit an application every year and receive the same response. And in 2024, when you showed up at our headquarters with a bouquet of Belladonna, you likely had no clue (because you are not a witch) that the other name for this plant is Deadly Nightshade. Sir Gloomspent still gets hallucinations from time to time, and poor Professor Snipbunch may never recover from the encounter with those hazardous flowers.
As for your “talent for spells and tinctures,” the incident to which you referred was a freak accident involving a carbonated beverage and a sleeve of Mentos, and that “evil witch-hunter” was a young boy in a costume. On Halloween.
Please take this denial as my final response.
Sincerely,
Madame Mungby
P.S. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest may be something for you to watch.
Mung,
That weird lady is outside my window. Did you deny her application again? I’ve closed the blinds, all the lights are out, and I’m hiding under my invisibility cloak. I hope she goes away soon.
Your devoted secretary,
Madge
P.S. She’s wielding a Dollar Tree wand.
Madame Mungby,
Clearly, you do not have an affinity for truth and facts. Say what you will about my world-saving hex, but there is no denying that my fairy-light charms are the talk of the town. For that reason alone, many wizarding folk would hate to hear you have denied a well-deserving witch her rightful place in the Society. But I might also mention my admirable nighttime flying abilities.
Signed,
Ms. Archmeadow, Well-Deserving Witch
P.S. Surely you remember Sabrina, the Teenage Witch? Based after Yours Truly.
Ms. Archmeadow,
Your so-called fairy-light charms are the talk of the town because you have left those lights up on your house since Christmas of ’22, and some of the bulbs are burnt out, while others randomly blink on and off. And your backyard zipline, built by twelve-year-old Hollifer Hogsdoyle, does not constitute “nighttime flying abilities.” Be so for real, lady.
Madame Mungby
P.S. The show I think really must have been based on you is American Horror Story. Please stay away from my secretary's house.
M. Mungby,
How dare you! I have never been so insulted in all my life. Because of your insolence, I shall take my membership elsewhere. How about to your competitor, the Which Witch Club. I’ll not waste another moment of my time on your most-probably illegitimate society.
Ms. Archmeadow, Your Loss
The Which Wich Club
Senior Vice President of Publicity
Jack Jones
Dear Ms. Archmeadow,
For the last time, this is the sandwich restaurant Which Wich, and our club is for frequent customers who wish to earn discounts on our sandwiches. We are not a club for witches.
Thank you,
Jack Jones
P.S. You might try the Society for Witches and Wizards. I hear they let anyone in.